Elevator Emergency Procedures

This sign is in the very building in which I work. It includes several amusing items and one frightening one. First, notice the extra hole in the upper left and the fact that the “center” hole is offset allowing the sign to hang at a jaunty angle. It includes the obligatory typo (“inset” fingers), confusing directions (pull elevator doors outward?), pronoun mismatch ("doors" and "it") and a phrase in all caps with an exclamation point ("DON'T PANIC!" ala Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy). It also promises that in the event of a loss of power, the elevator will “drop down to the bottom floor.” I don’t know about you, but the last thing I want my elevator to do is DROP. Lower, maybe. Descend, certainly. But NEVER, in any circumstance, drop.

P.S. Yes that is a tap light, adhered with double-sided tape. Classy!

We Aim to Confuse

So, I have to make my standard disclaimer: my phone camera takes terrible pictures. I was recently at one of the local urgent care facilities when I found this. We've all seen this particular witticism in restrooms before, but on a mirror? In a hospital? Even that absurdity would not have been enough to make it a What The Foto. In the lower right corner, inside the circle, it reads 'Also a 3 1/2" x 5" Photo Frame.' What in the hell does that even mean?

Always Weird. Always

So, I’m not sure if this is sanctioned or not. What it appears to be is a drawing for a display layout (click to enbiggen for full effect). The drawing is taped to a huge pallet of Ramen Noodles. Apparently said noodles will sell better if they are arranged to form a ranch-style house, complete with garage and chimney. Because nothing screams chicken-flavored Ramen like suburbia.

He Was a Carpenter After All

We pass this roofing company when we go down to the river. As you can see, one of the buildings seems to yelling the name of the Christian Messiah. Since there is no additional information, I’m not sure if it is supposed to be an advertisement, an expletive, or simply a reminder. Whatever the case, I’m always compelled to shout “JESUS!” each time I see it.

As Stevie Nicks Once Said...

We were in California earlier this year and caught a glimpse of this “phenomenon”: buildings built at the top of a shear cliff of DIRT. This particular building is no more than 10 feet from a 25 foot drop off made of nothing but soil. No rocks, no clay, no reinforcement of any kind. I have no idea what keeps this from just dissolving and washing away when it rains. The one thing I am certain of is that the people who live in that house will be shocked, SHOCKED, when it does happen.

All Fruits are not Created Equal

We recently had breakfast at the local “down-on-the-farm” chain restaurant. While waiting for our food, I whiled away the time by flipping through the table tent advertisements. I found this jewel therein. I apologize for the picture quality (my phone camera does a terrible job of taking pictures up close). It reads as follows.

No Sugar Added! Country Apple Pie
Enjoy all the traditional taste without all the sugar! Natural fruit juices make this apple pie as sweet as can be. Served warm in a flaky crust. Sweetened with Aspartame.

I love ad copy that takes a sudden left at the end.

Miller Now Owns the Souls of Much of Wisconsin

A few weeks ago we attended Summerfest. We thoroughly enjoyed the numerous bands and even got to see Cheap Trick. The state-fair atmosphere, the beautiful weather and even the $5.00 beers were extremely pleasant. On the way home, I flipped the ticket over and read the “CONSENT” section. I was horrified to find out that I had agreed to having my “image and/or likeness, writings, biographical information or recordings of (my) voice captured or reproduced in any medium, forever and throughout the world, for any purpose.” I don’t know about you, but if I was the devil, that’s how I would have worded it.

The Definition of Irony

This wonderful machine is located at one of our local seafood eateries. If you can’t tell (or cannot believe) what it is, let me elucidate. It is one of those claw machine games, but instead of playing for candy or crappy trinkets you are trying to catch a LIVE LOBSTER. For the low price of $2.00 you can go fishin’ for a lobster dinner. The restaurant even promises to cook your catch for free. I think the best (worst?) thing is that you are using a claw to snag the lobster. Maybe the lobsters don’t mind it as much that way…

Verrrry Specific Fine

This is a bit difficult to make out, but the sign reads “RED LIGHT RUNNING $183.50 FINE.” (click to enbiggen picture). The fine is $183.50?!? How did that become the appropriate amount for a fine? I hear see the city council session: “What should we make the fine for running red lights? No one will take a $183 fine seriously, but $184 is waaay too much. What to do, what to do?” I guess the sign is there to ensure that violators bring exact change to their court appearance.

Night Court

Here is an example of how the lack of proper grammar can change your intended meaning. I’m pretty sure that they mean “loitering or trespassing between midnite (sic) & 7 AM daily will be prosecuted.” What they ended up saying is “we will prosecute loitering and trespassing on a daily basis between the hours of midnite (sic) and 7 AM.” How much do you have to pay a graveyard shift judge?